Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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