I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
