Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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