I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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