Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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