my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
