i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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