Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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