When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
