i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
