What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
