It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
