Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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