i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
