"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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