I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
