So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
