What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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