I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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