She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
