I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He better not be in your backpack
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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