i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
