i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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