I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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