he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
