Your dad touched me again.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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