now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
