The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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