Swine flu. Run for my life!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
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