She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
