I've blown a few things in my day
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
