Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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