i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
