You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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