she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
