He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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