I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
God, I missed his penis.
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