he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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