I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
