I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
