I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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