She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
