I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need water and some morals
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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