Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
