i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
