Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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