wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
there was a trapeze. enough said
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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