I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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