she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
