I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
