I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
