Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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