so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
